I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
