Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
