apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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