my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
