i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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