I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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