I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
did i walk over a car last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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