I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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