Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
