I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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