i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What a dumb baby whore.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
