hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We need to get me chipped asap
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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