im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
