Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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