she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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