I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
