I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
