Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
