I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
