i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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