Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
