I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
