dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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