you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
