yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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