I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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