i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
