I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
