The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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