somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
