Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
