i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
