College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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