I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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