And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
