I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize