Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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