I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
