What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
