I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
