i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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