What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
