I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Drunk is not a location!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
