Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
