the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
