so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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