there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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