I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
