i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
