What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
