Where did you get a picture of my penis
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
