...so i touched it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
