We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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