New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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