I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
