Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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