At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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