Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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