The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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