Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have fence marks all over my body
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize