youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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