Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Found the puke drawer
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
